These days, ‘because we are worth it’, we are subtly influenced to set great store by our own self-gratification.
Bombarded by pushy marketing messages, distracted by literally endlessly compelling social media and with busy, demanding and exhausting jobs, we have precious little time for each other.
Often the most contact a couple, especially with children of school age has, is at the end of a day, when both have depleted energy and when one or both just want to ‘veg-out’ in front of their TV or scroll facebook, instagram or tiktoc.
In this bombardment of attention-seeking messages our own need for connection can all too easily get swamped. The person we chose to spend our life with is on frequent business trips, evenings with clients, squeezing time together into a small window of opportunity in which to cram connection, conversation, sex and love.
More and more, we lead lives on a hamster-wheel of pressured preoccupation; the duty, ambition, competition and chores of life demand so many of our precious hours and minutes, the‘me-time’promised to us, shrinks, and we are at the beck-and-call of multiple external demands.
Faced with this exhausting maelstrom, so far from the smiling promises we see in a thousand weekly ads, it is easy to feel isolated, saddened, lost or angry, with limited outlets for our feelings or creativity and so we may end up piling our disappointment or frustration onto our nearest and dearest.
Relationship needs regular connection, re-affirmation and affection. Without these vital ingredients, the recipies of friendship and partnership can easily take a dip.
This is the point where many couples look for a new partner. True to the rapid replacement of things, our relationships are subject to summary discard, volatility and splitting.
For some reason there is a subject not taught in many schools – relationship. The arts of repair and deeper understanding of the kind of shoals upon which even strong relationships may founder. In truth, there are unconscious attractions at work in the geometry and emotionality of relationships.
Most couples are unaware of a significant piece of knowledge without which many, perhaps as many as 50%, of relationships may founder.
It is this. We choose our partners, not just on the basis of who we feel best to partner with, but also on the familiar family patterns we have grown up with.
In families with healthy relationships between parents where children grow up feeling confidence, safety and security, avoiding significant trauma, they are most likely to make healthy loving relationships.
In families where parents have mental health problems, or drink or take drugs to excess, or where abusive behaviour is common, or shouting or harshly delivered criticism takes place, or where life circumstances make childhood stressful and difficult, then loving attachment can be damaged. Anxious, avoidant or disorganised attachments can result.
In this event, relationship bonds can be troublesome and large amounts of understanding and compassion are needed to maintain closeness. Sometimes help to untangle the unhelpful patterns of the past can be transformative.
